April 10, 2012

Growing up sucks. Wanting something better for yourself is even worse

Pic from here.

OK, I have a great feeling that, if I don't write this down, I will explode. Literally. 

My world just fell apart. Shattered into million pieces.

In this moment I am the saddest person alive. Oh my God, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. Ok, maybe I should have considered it, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't want to. If you're my follower or you check my blog once in a while, you probably know I study Psychology. I love Psychology!! I love Mr. Freud. I love everything about Psychology <3 Until here, everything is good. 

I am currently finishing my studies at the University of Maribor and I've been thinking about applying to the University of Edinburgh since the moment I've put my foot on the Scottland ground. Yes, I was THAT in love with the city. So, I decided I will apply. Lots of nerves, lots of anxiety. But I managed to put together all the papers I need. With the help of my AWESOME friend Ines. "Today is the day I will send the application, I thought. Little did I know. 

To be sure I've checked again the site for Slovenian schoolarships. The first thing that caught my attention was the time of the study. I wanted to apply for part-time and then work in some library or bookstore, and I would have been living there for 2 years. But the schoolarship was just for full-time, with no way of working in a library or in whatsoever, and being there just 1 year. 

But ok. I was prepared to apply even for a year. And give up upon working in a library. And then I saw the points. You can achive 85 points. First for the study field. Psychology isn't rank high. Well, actually that's an understatment. Psychology is ranked with 0 points. Awesome, just awesome. But lets go on. The second collecting points thing - you had a scientific article in some kind of journal or you attended some kickass conference and such. Yeah, I totally did in the age of 23. Sure. Um, no, I didn't. 0 points.

The last one was about the avarge credits. YES! Finally something. I've got 20 points out of 30. That's great.

But still. It's 20 points out of 85! Should I even apply for it? I mean seriously. They will laugh at me.

And so, there is this thing. I could apply for a full-time study program and apply for the Schoolarship, which I still don't know if I will even get. And guess what? Once you apply, you actually APPLY. It's not like you can change the program from full- to part-time. Or so I think. OR I can apply for part-time with no schoolarship. How will I pay my studies? I dunno. On what will I live for 2 years? I dunno. Where will I live for 2 years? I dunno. Isn't this just amazing? Fuck no.

I'm so so disappointed. And, with no plan. Yet. This is a disaster.

And you know what? Primary Socialization teach us that no matter how much primal sense of inevitability in the subsequent disappointments weaken, the memory of certanity (that will never happen again) is adhering to the first world of Childhood. Primary Socialization in this way achives what we can call the biggest and most important issue of trust, that the society can afford. The world of Childhood is designed to instill a established value sistem in the individual structure, that the child can trust, as in "everything will be okay". Later we find out that some things are way far from being "okay". So thank you my awesome society for letting me think that everything will be okay and that you'll always stand behind be, be there for me. Yeah. Fuck that.

And in all this? I wish I could call my mum and cry my heart out of how unhappy, disappointed and sad I am. And you wonna know why I won't call? Becuase all she will say will be: "Yeah, Nea that sucks. But I can't help you. At least, you can stay in Maribor for as long as you like for your studies."

Geee thanks, but no thanks.

BUT. There is just one thing that is perfectly clear at this moment. I don't know how, but sure as hell, if they do accept me and I do get in, there is no way in hell that someone will stop me from doing so. I AM going to study in the University of Edinburgh. 

I do acutally feel better now.

5 comments :

glass said...

I love that you're not giving up your dream!:) I believe that you'll find the way to go to Edinburgh - just keep looking for other options if this one doesn't work out.

And, yeah, I completely understand part about crying on your mother's shoulder and getting zero understanding...

Mimi Valentine said...

Awww, Nea!! I know how much you love psychology and your teacher and everything about it, so I don't think you should give up at all -- and I'm so glad that you aren't! <3 I believe you can get into Edinburgh with all of my heart, one way or another :) I just know it!

Feel free to rant to us anytime if it makes you feel better, Nea! That's what we're here for <33 :)

Patricia said...

This sucks balls, royally. I'm so sorry to hear about this shit. I know a little about how much you want to study there!

So from what I can see the main problems are that you don't know which studyprogram to apply to, and from that point where to live and how to afford that? Maybe if you go the other way around? Like.. first look if you know where to live and how much that'd cost. Then how much either of the programs would cost with/without scholarship, then how to get those. As for the "if you apply, you apply"-part.. is it possible to contact those folks and ask them?

Argh, I suppose you've thought about all of this before. Sorry. v_v

I can only second what Mimi Valentine has said. Rant along and if you want to talk to someone, I'm here.

nea barabea said...

Patricia, I do know which Study programme I want to apply. The problem is that I am without schoolarship. I called today and I asked. They said I can apply for the schoolarship, but I have very little possibilities in getting it. :/ SO I decided I will apply for part-time and I will work in a library/bookstore like I planed. I will work in the Summer and I'll save money. That's it. I'll figure it out.

And anyway, in the end of the day, it's just money. I guess.

Thank you Patricia and thank you Mimi and Glass for your support!! This means so much to me :* <3

Kristin Feliz said...

Nea!! *massive transcontinental hugs* Everything is going to work out. You just have to stay positive! KEEP MOVING FORWARD and NEVER GIVE UP. EVER.

I am here for you, friend :)

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