The University will be starting in 14 days. And I am not going. Considering my bitching in the last 6 months you'll probably think "WHAT?!" Yes, I am not going. Because even though I've been having two jobs I don't have enough money for the University fee, let alone for eating, sleeping and breathing.
I knew this for about a month now. I don't talk about it much. Because, well, my heart broke when I did the calculus and I figured I won't be able to attend. And everyday I think about the email I need to send to the University saying I won't attend my classes in September. And everyday I say "Tomorrow I will" but I never do. But now I really need to. And my heart is breaking all over again.
And it seems like the only person who noticed was my taxi driver and friend. Last Friday I was really wasted. And he took me home. He stopped the car and said "ok, Nea what's wrong?" and I was like "Nothing's wrong". Because really I felt nothing was wrong. My mechanism of coping was to push my University issues in the back of my mind and not think about it. So ofcourse I haven't noticed that I was drunk almost every second day. I thought I was partying a lot. Until my taxi driver said "You know, anything you're searching you won't find it on the bottom of the bottle". And there I started crying. Because lets face it, everything is NOT ok. Not at all. I hate my job, I hate being a waitress, because, hello, I will be having a bachelor in Psychology in a month and I need to serve drunk/annoying/crap people? Hell, no. I don't like living with my parents. No, that's an understatement. I resent living with my parents, because there is no space in the house for me. I miss my privacy.
But most of all I miss my friends from Maribor. I hate having pointless conversation, because that's all I've got here at home. Pointless conversation. Which is, by the point, pointless, so I rather read a book alone and I'm fine. Or so I thought.
I can't wait to leave this country behind. I resent this crap whole so much. I resent people for not noticing how sad and angry I feel toward the whole world. It sucks. And my parents. God. They came back from holidays a couple of days ago and I already feel like the walls are closing around me. "You didn't take great care of your grandmother". It's not my fault she fell. I took her to the hospital. 3 times. I waited 3 hours there and I didn't say anything. What do you want me to say? Sorry? Sorry for not sitting beside her everyday while I wasn't working? Sorry, but no. Hell no. I have issues too. I don't complain, but I still have them. And it's hurting me a lot. And really I don't get it. So, what, if we don't talk about it, the problem doesn't exist? What bullshit is that?! It's like they think I don't mind not going to study in Edinburgh in 14 days. Hell, these were my dreams, for God's sake. And obviously they don't matter a shit.
And that's maybe what hurts the most. Noone cares. My heart in breaking everytime I think about the email I need to send and noone cares.
My friend Alenka is saying I am looking at the problem from the wrong perspective, because it's not like I am not going at all. I am going in January. I'm just postponing my goal. But that doesn't mean I am super happy about it. I'm not. So not.
But, like always I am not giving up. I just felt the need to tell someone. And you guys have shown me so much support and I am grateful. A lot. I love you. Because, God's knows, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for your support when my world was crashing down.
I can't wait to leave this country behind. With nothing left behind, nothing worth returning to.
When I left for London, I knew I needed to come back eventually. To finish University and such. This time will be different. I will return for holidays. But I will never come back because I would need to, it will be because I want to. Hopefully there won't be the need.