April 18, 2013

I'm seriously losing it

Hello there.

My name is Nea and I think I'm losing it. Because seriously, how can things go so wrong all the time?!

I moved to freaking Scotland, because I said to myself "come on Nea, you'll go there, you'll get a job, start saving for University, learn more English and therefore do better on your IELTS exam, and you'll go study what you've always wanted". Aha. 

5 months later..
I have 2 jobs. Kind of. I work in a coffeeshop, that I am starting to hate everyday more. My other job is in an Italian restaurant - which I like - but I work one or maybe two- night per week. They did offer me a full time position - but god, 40minutes with the bus to get there?! I live in the centre, come on, shouldn't be so hard to get a job. Wrong.

My dear coffeeshop has employed me for a full time position. Noone ever said though, that my full time position will require only 25-30 hours per week. I was aiming to 40 + hours. Wrong again. So obviously, with a minimum wage, and the roof above my head to pay and eat and drink (which isn't much, but still) I can't really save for University. Hence, I am searching for a new full time job (which is kind f getting me nowhere).

My mood. God, my mood swings are worse than the ones of a person with a bipolar disorder. Now I'm in the mood of "I want to stay in bed for days". Awful. And I am constantly tired. Like really, tired. I have no energy to do anything. Or the will to do anything for the matter. It sucks.

I applied for fundings. My fingers are crossed that I will get a scholarship. Because seriously, with the pace I am going, I will damn sure need one. 

And I am so bored. So so bored. Even if I wanted to do something, I have no idea what in the world to do with myself. Yeah, I read and I love it, but to go out during the day? To do what exactly? Shopping? No money to spend on that - because I need to save for Uni. Go for a coffee and read? Yeah, but I work in a coffeeshop so the idea really isn't that appealing anymore.

My mom said to do something that I like or that makes me happy. Don't have any idea about that either. I have a feeling that everything that I want to do requires money. And I can't afford that - because I need to save. Geeez it's like a miserable circle. And I hate it.

For the past months, I've been kind of waiting for someone to save me. Anyone. Anything. But I gathered after a while, that noone can save me. Noone.

Waiting for better times,


Lauren's Loquacious Lit said...

Hey Nea, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time at the moment. I have found myself in similar situations of depression often (I've actually been diagnosed with it) and it's just a matter of fighting through it unfortunately.

If you're not sure of what to do, go have a look at a local community centre (the library, a Council building, an actual community and even religious buildings (churches, temples etc). They always have outings and social groups advertised on billboards and they're usually fairly low cost to appeal to as many people as possible.

At my library we advertise all sorts of things - things organised by the youth centre, we have book clubs, knitting groups, yoga, running clubs, planned outings and tours to certain tourist attractions, even volunteer work.

Try a couple of things out, you'll get out and about, meet new people, possibly find a support group of some sort for while you're feeling a bit low? At the very least it's something different to try.

I'm sorry, because I know just how much it sucks, but hang in there because it can and does get better okay?

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