March 17, 2015

Unedited.

I've been meaning to write something for while now. Somehow everytime I tried ... I failed. 

But today is the day. Today is the day of my parents' wedding anniversary. I was the maid of honour, I should know. 

I was out on Friday night. I went to this awesome Great Gatsby house party and it was great. We went out dancing afterwards. I was with this little group. There were guys, literally, everywhere. So ofcourse, I looked. Cause you always look. 

And then my friend said something. I can't really recall what led to that something, but I remember his words. He said "Nea, you should be more patient".

And that was when my mind exploded. Patient. Patient?! Really?

I've patient for the past 6 year, and look where it got me. Nowhere! And believe me, I adopted many strategies. Nothing really worked, did it. Patient? For a guy to come around and say 'you've been so patient, I should totally like you'? For the society to change and value people for people? For people to accept people as people and not as a mean to an end? For people not to be taken as granted? For capitalism to finally decide that people matter and not the actual profit?

I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting for better times to come along. I mean, how long are we supposed to wait for things to get better?

We are the generation with no future. But damn it, the future is gonna come nonetheless. It has to. It's physics. Time might be a philosophical construct, but it does pass by. The future is gonna come.

Fuck. I've come so far. I paid all my university fees. I achieved great grades. I have the best possible theme for my master dissertation, it's exactly what I wanted and more. I should be happy. Even more, I should be ecstatic.

And all I feel is disappointed, sad and frustrated. Even depressed sometimes. Which you know, it's a shame and so soo unfair to my past self who worked so hard for this. I should be more grateful. Way more grateful. Happy, even. This is what I wanted and worked hard for. And all I feel is disappointed. 

I thought, last year when I was working at that horrible job, that I was tired. I thought it's gonna pass as soon as I leave it and have some rest, everything is going to be fine. But I am, still, so tired. That kind of bone tired that sleep can't fix. 

I should be walking around floating and be the happiest person alive. I achieved my goals! I proved myself to everyone that ever doubted me. Noone can tell me I failed. Cause I did not. I succeeded. All by myself. 

And here I am. Going to counselling every Monday. And going to Stress control seminar every Tuesday. And listening to relaxation music to get all the tension out of my body. Oh, and should I say it? I think I am developing an eating disorder? Yes, me. Me, who does not care about weight, cause I love my body. Cause every stress makes me sick and I cannot eat at all. It feels like nothing is under my control anymore. Spiralling out of control. Hilarious.

This is not actually something I had in mind when I started this post. But you know what? It's real. Fucking real. 

"What you feel, feels real, but it does not necessarily reflect the actual reality". Oh, yeah, but it feels pretty real to me. 

Until next time,



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