July 16, 2015

And now tell me I am the problem in this system

Today is one of those days.

You know what? I am tired. I am so tired. The bone tired, that sleep cannot fix. Cause believe me, I sleep as much (and too much) as I can.

Today a sequence of events happened. First, I want you to watch this short video of spoken word poetry titled "Worthless". It's 3 minutes long, and trust me, you want to spare these 3 minutes. This is what I love about spoken word poetry. It's real, and it comes from within, and you can always find a way to identify with it. Pretty real, huh?

I was doing statistics for my master dissertation today. Not to boring you with it, my sample is 90 students. When I checked the assumptions for anova and regression, I figured my variables were not distributed normally. Now, I don't want to boring you with statistics, but the fact is, I thought I should do a robust manova (don't ask). And it's a tricky way to do it, or at least that what the stats book says. I spent 3 hours making the trick. For then, after 3 hours figuring out that my study was different from the example in the book. But lets go on. In the stats program called r, you need to download packages for various tests. Easy. Download it and run it. Easy peasy. 3 hours. And then I run the package and it doesn't work. First time ever, it does not freaking work. Package in non-existence no more! HA. Just my luck. Believe me, I googled, I did everything... won't work. 

And then I am like... will this be ok? Running just a normal manova instead of robust anova? Hopefully. But.. after 3 hours of figuring things out and then being met with zero package to solve my problem? I was pissed off. No, that's putting it lightly. I was mad. So mad, I started to cry. 

Which made me think.. what a metaphor for this life this is. At least, as I perceive it as my reality.  Cause this is my reality. 

Study hard, work hard. And, because I was born in a country that (thank God) values life and alcohol, party hard. 

I didn't have time to volunteer in my first year in my masters, cause well, working up to 40 hours per week in hospitality (that paid for my living cost and my tuition fees) and studying for homework and exams, I didn't really have time. Cause for God's sake, those few hours per week, I wanted them, no, needed them to be mine, for me. 

Just to let you know, I did apply for graduate jobs. Got no reply. Or a "sorry, someone else was more qualified". I couldn't really apply for an internship. The internships are usually unpaid or paid very minimum. And I needed a job to pay for my rent, for my food, for my tuition fees, and for everything else. I couldn't be too picky, could I?

Now I am volunteering once a week. I have a job that offers me less hours (which translate in less money) and just my dissertation to write. I can volunteer now, and honesty, I love my volunteer job. But 4 months of this.. will it be enough? Will it count?

I started working when I was 16. That's like 6 full years of working experiences, counting altogether. But all these years don't count right? Cause that was hospitality and opposite to some popular belief (listening to people at the bar explaining their life history and problems), nothing to do with psychology. All the hard work, multitasking, attention to details,.. don't count. All being reliable, organized, dependable,.. doesn't count. 

Education. I have a bachelor degree in psychology. I am about to get my master degree. Well, this, doesn't seem to count either, with no experiences in the field. 

Now, tell me, what does count? What does count?

I am one month from graduation. 

Nothing seems to count these days. And you know what, this would have never happen in socialism. And another funny fact. As much as I think America is pure capitalism, this would have never happen in America. A graduate working in a caffee. Or a master graduate being scared of having to stay in hospitality and the fear of not getting a "proper" job. No. And I am pretty positive about this.

Where did I mislead my way? Or even better, where did I mislead the "proper" way?

Maybe I should have indebted myself for the next 10 years and volunteer for 2 years during my masters and.. that would make it ok? But I hate being indebted with someone. So really, this wasn't the answer. 

They say the world these days is full of opportunities. Well, where are they? You know one? Please point me the way.

Last week my friend asked me where I see myself in 5 years. Where indeed?! 

I know the future has always been unpredictable. But it has never been as unpredictable as it is today. And believe me, it's a scary feeling.

Until next time,


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