May 31, 2019

Decision, decision.. Does it ever get easier? Probably not.

Hello.

After the shattering of my world, that was me losing my job in Brussels; a job that was supposed to be my new fresh beginning and ended up being my worst nightmare in which I was drowning everyday more, here I am after 6 months in homeland Slovenia. I'll admit, things did not go the way I planned them. A far cry from it.

I left my beloved Brussels. I packed my stuff and left after 2 and a half years. My home. It was hard. All my friends, my life as I knew it, all of a sudden gone. Gone. By the time I was fired I was so emotionally and physically exhausted, that I just couldn't pick myself back up. It was a horrible realisation. I did not have the energy to keep going, to look for a job I was not interested in, to go for interviews for jobs I didn't like. I could not phantom the idea of convincing interviewers that I was capable for a job when inside I felt incapable of anything. At that point in time it made sense to leave. I needed rest. I needed time for me, to get it back together. I could not sit on my savings and hope for better times when I was so broken inside. I would have felt even shittier on the inside if I did that. So, going home was the obvious solution.

Home.

Well, that didn't go as planned either. Does life ever go as planned? I've been entertaining this thought of going to Australia for few years now. Let me tell you first how it all started. The first person to mention it to me was a Greek intern girl that worked with me at ECF. She was so alive when she spoke about it, like, stars shone in her eyes. And then she looked at me and said "Nea, you must go to Australia. That place is meant for you." I brushed it aside a little. But the spark of the idea was there. During my stay in Brussels I met more people who's been to Australia and each of them told me in similar words what my Greek friend had told me. Well, I was hooked. How could I not be? Beaches, hot summers and warm winters, beautiful people, diversity, beautiful places, surrounded by English language (but not in Britain).. How could I resist the temptation to follow what others were so sure would be my right path? I printed the visa application while I was still in ECF. I kept looking at it for another year and a half. Dreaming. I kept postponing it due to new jobs, new plans, new everything. And then I got fired. And in those horrible days that followed that awful 16th of November, a new plan started emerging in my mind. And I thought "Well, I'll be 30 soon. And I can only get this visa before I'm 31. There is no new job on the horizont, no classes that I needed to follow, no master degree to finish.. And I am the master of my universe and now I can decide to do whatever I want with my life (kinda)."

As soon as I got back home I started planning and organising my visa for Australia. I had the time, I had the money, and I had the will to do it. After a month of gathering the necessary documents, and after the 2 month(ish) wait, I got my visa approved in April! I was ecstatic! It was happening!!

And then I got stuck on the date to leave. When to leave? Just when the summer was lurking around the corner, so I could go (again) into winter? After I've spent so many cold summers up in north I'll admit the idea was not very appealing. Still isn't. But it's not just the summer that is messing with my brain. And I keep postponing it to each "next month". I'll be honest here, after seeing all the crazy shit that is happening to women around the world, I've become afraid. Like, crazy shit anxiety afraid. What if something happens to me? I know, I know, bad things can happen anywhere, not necessarily on the other side of the world. It can happen here at home, too. Usually, when I was leaving for a new beginning abroad, my main concern was always money. Will I have enough? What if I run out? What if I don't find a job soon enough? This time around it's not money that is stressing me. It's more existential, it's primal feeling of survival. Can I guarantee myself that I'll be safe? I mean, I'm sure all the other women before me thought the same, but were they all lucky as I was till now? What if my luck runs out?

And then it's also all this 30 shit going on. Like, you magically turn 30 and then you need to figure your life out, find a stable job for life (bleeeh) and marry, and shit. I've never felt like this in Brussels. Is this the small town mentality? Is there an universal "fit for all"? I don't think so. The thing that pisses me off the most is that, I've been feeling all my adult life as I'm chasing things. Let me explain. Study hard so you will get into a good Uni. Finish Uni. Save money for your master degree. Survive your master degree course. Finish your master degree. Find a good internship. Do another internship. Get a job. Get a better job. Does it fucking ever end? And then you finally reach 30 when you think "Omg, I'm a fully functional adult and I can make decisions for myself without having to explain my decisions to no-one". I've done all I wanted and expected from me, and now I can finally do what I want to do, the things I've been postponing all the time because Uni/money/contracts.

Naaaah, apparently it doesn't seem to work that way. Because I need to life. Wait, but why? Why? Do I really owe it to the world and society, to everyone? What is the meaning of life? To keep doing things you don't want to do, so you can (hypothetically) "one day" do them? When will that "one day" come? Never? What's the point of being brave and deal with this anxiety and fears of the world if people judge you for being brave and wanting to live your life as you want it?

I thought, I really thought that hitting 30 will be great, and free. And here I am feeling trapped. Same as with previous jobs, I feel like they are trying to fit me into this mold, and no matter how much I stretch or bend, I just can't seem to fit. And I feel I never will.

The fact that I'm surrounded everyday by people who have no high ambitions in life, well, it doesn't make it easier. You don't need to be a psychologist to know that people you surround yourself with, after a while you become like them. Don't get me wrong, I'm lazy all on my own, and everyday I make the conscious decision on how I'm gonna do my day. But I am an extrovert after all. And I can't help but wonder if things would have been different if I was still in Brussels surrounded by my hard working and amazing friends. I miss you Brussels bubble people. This is hard.

And then I think of that quote of Julie Kagawa's book (that I re-framed a little) of how there are no good or bad choices. There are only the choices you can live with and those you can't. And when thinking of Australia.. I don't think I can live with not going. I don't want to look back in 10 years and be like, oh well shit happened and I didn't go cause I was scared. I cannot live with this choice. This isn't who I am, and this is not who I want to be.

End of summer I'm leaving. Australia, be ready for me. And I promise you, I'll be ready for you.



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